This year has been incredibly hard for me. Losing my sister has caused my heart to break in ways I could have never imagined. There has honestly not been a day that has gone by in the past eleven months that I have not thought about her several times each day. There have been times when memories of her elicit a smile, like when I look at her beautiful grandchildren or hear a song on the radio, but those same things can elicit tears as well. I still cannot believe she is gone...I know she is...but as my nephew Terrell, Karina’s oldest says,” Just because it’s true, doesn’t mean you have to believe it!”.
As the anniversary of Karina’s death approaches, I realize that I haven’t fully accepted her death as reality. I still “feel some kinda way” when people talk about her in the past tense, or share how she visited them in a dream, or how they felt her presence. I know they are sharing out of a true place of love for her (and me), but I just miss my sister! I miss her being here in the natural...and I although I know it’s true, I am not ready to discuss her presence in the spiritual realm. I am still so very tender.
I have asked God to hear my prayers, Jesus to mend my broken heart, and the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me...still...sometimes I feel voiceless, brokenhearted, and lost. It is in those moments that the grace of God in all its sufficiency fills my heart and reminds me that I have hope. The hope that the same resurrection power that raised Jesus from the dead is enough. David said, “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.” (Ps. 27:13). And but for the grace of God, I would stay in my despair, my feelings of abandonment and hurt. Instead, I choose each day, and sometimes several times a day, to embrace the space of grace that God has given me.
God has shown me His goodness in the land of the living! In spite of the tremendous loss, great is His mercy, lovingkindness, and faithfulness towards me. I have seen the natural and spiritual blessings that God continues to rain down on me and my family, reminding me, that He will never leave me or forsake me. I am full of gratitude...full of “Hallelujah’s” and “Glory to God’s”! Because even in the midst of my grief and despair, I know that God’s grace sustains me and His goodness and His mercy endures forever.